10 Months Later~

September 29, 2016

6:06am

It's hard to believe it's been 10 months since our Mom passed away. The first few weeks after she passed were the worst the sharp ache that filled my heart was unbearable at times.  It took everything I had to want to get out of bed, be social or put on an ounce of makeup. Let's face it when you spend your whole life with someone and then all of sudden they're not there, it takes some time to get used to.  I'm not going to lie, it's a work in progress every single day, some days will be better then others and some days will very simply put just be a shit show. But all I could hear my mom saying was get your butt out of bed because you have 4 kids, a husband, your sister and brother who need you to keep it together, so I did. Do I constantly question the decisions I made in regards to my mom's health and care? Absolutely! I wouldn't be human if I didn't. But here are some of the things I don't regret for an instant and am so glad I did....
~  I was there for her.
~ During her very last chemo appointment helped her make personalized videos for everyone she cared about about and after she passed sent them to everyone so when they wanted to hear her voice it would just be a matter of pressing play.
-Now this may be weird and if you ask my sister she'll tell you I'm nuts but when out mother began to lose her hair and realized it was time to cut it I asked my mom if I could have my sister braid it so I could keep it. My mom joked and laughed about it at a time which lightened the otherwise sad feeling we were all feeling at the significance of what this all meant  and when my sister finally finished cutting it all off my mom quickly grabbed it and flung it at me laughing while saying " here you go Willard, whatever floats your boat!" Now it's only been a few times I've actually opened
The small case it's in, but as crazy as it seems being able to touch and smell  her hair that still smells like her has been quite comforting in those few times.

Nothing's changed, but will never be the same again~

The morning of the day our mom passed away as we sat in the hospice home we swore we'd never go to, my cell phone rang and the gentleman on the other end of the call asked for our mother, when I asked what it was regarding he explained she had inquired about funeral insurance.  

I proceeded to ask him to take my number off of his list and told him mom was on her deathbed at which point he asked me if there would be a better time to call?

Ironically, as stupid as his question was, I feel that dazed and confused all the time these days.

It's been 13 days since mom passed away and today is the first day I've been home alone to really process everything. 

For the past 3 years I would get the kids ready for school every morning and after they had gone and the house was finally quiet. I would make my way to her room and tell her to stop smoking and ask if she wanted to try to eat even if she had said no to eating anything the day before. 

The past two weeks have gone by in an absolute blur.

 I've done everything I can to keep busy and not think about it but then I'll pick up dinner for the kids and realize I've also picked up something for mom or I'll think of some juicy gossip I forgot to mention to her and yell it out and realize no one is listening. 

2 nights ago In the middle of the night I woke up because I could have sworn I heard her in the other room and when I went into the other room didn't find her but saw this on her tv that hadn't been on in days.

Wouldn't it be funny if this is how mom kept her promise to always watch over us? The loophole in heaven mom found to communicate to us she's ok.

I thought when she passed I'd feel relief which quite honestly I did, because for once in a very long time she was no longer in pain.

Now, although nothing's changed, life goes on, traffic keeps moving, we keep eating, breathing, sleeping, moving, it'll never be the same again~

Feeling lost without our Shira.....

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Home at Last~

Sunday~November 29th, 2015

10:12pm

On Wednesday, November 25th at 11:44pm 

Our mother took her last breath after almost 3 years of relentlessly fighting cancer, which she did to the very end.

The day she passed she spoke to everyone who meant anything to her and said her goodbyes and "I love you's" like she knew that night would be her last.

She had spent the past 3 years making amends, finding closure, writing letters and making videos even when she felt horrible just to make sure when she was  was gone we'd all be ok.

She spent the day she passed surrounded by loved ones, while we played some of her favorite music, kissed and hugged her.

As we watched her take her last breath that night, and the glimmer of light leave her eyes.

We also saw something we hadn't seen in years, a face that was free of pain.

And although our hearts and faith may be  broken right now, I know with time they'll mend.

Our mother had the power to light up a room by just walking into it, her charismatic nature was envied by most and when she lived, she lived and when she loved, she loved.

She left this earth leaving a footprint on our hearts no one could ever fill the way she did.

Blessed to have been able call her our mother, best friend & Shira.

Love you more then life, we win.

Hospice~

Monday~

November 23, 2015

What I never thought we'd do we did today...

We Admitted our mom into a hospice facility, her pain had become so unbearable and we called hospice so many times overnight to increase her pain medicine which was already at 500mg of morphine an hour that they said the only way to get it under control was to admit her.

When we got here She said no more tpn, just let me go. 

My heart is breaking in a million pieces....

Here comes Hospice....

Saturday~ November 21,2015

10:00am

This morning after 3 days of being in bed and non-stop vomiting my mom decided she's ready for hospice. 

Calling hospice, telling my children and calling family members to let them know were some of the most difficult conversations I've had in a long time.

Waiting for them to come and answer everyone's questions have made the minutes feel like hours...

Just praying for a smooth transition now:-(

8:30pm

At around 5pm my brother, sister, mother and I sat down with the hospice nurse to talk about what to expect, ordered all of the things she may need in the coming days oxygen, diapers, suctioning and so forth.

Just glad everyone one was here so I didn't have to repeat the same conversation to each of them.

They increased her pain medicine and added haldol drops to the mix to help with the vomitting. Knowing that there will be someone to call 24 hours a day if I have a question is such a relief. Knowing that they'll come out within an hour of calling if she needs anything at 

All is priceless to me.

Full Circle~

Thursday~November 19th, 2015

10:00am

Only 38 more days until my mom makes 3 years since being diagnosed with Stage 4 Stomach cancer with mets to the peritoneal cavity.

We never thought we'd be blessed with the gift of time but we have been.

Although the doctor's no longer believe the chemo is working and don't think she'll make it to Christmas our mom is determined to not give up hope and keeps trekking on while getting chemo every Monday until they make her stop.

According to her, side effects have been minimal with this new Paxol regimen besides losing her hair of course.

I've lost track as to how long it's been since she said she felt hungry or I've seen her eat because the tpn w/ vitamins I give her nightly have replaced the want or need for food.

But even though she's been receiving about 1800 calorie daily she continues to steadily lose about 3lbs a week and is about 107 lbs as we stand today.

Her vomitting has worsened and is a constant pain in the throat since the cancer spread to her esophagus yet we rarely ever hear her complain

Her pain is for now at a zero, being controlled by her handy dandy pca that delivers 225 mg of morphine per hour.

It's a catch 22... she's sleeping more but not in any pain.

This morning as I laid next to her In bed watching her fight off a fever, chills and vomitting I realize It's almost as though we've come full circle to the beginning when I never left her side when we worried if today was the day.

But the reason I'm writing this today is because for the first time in a long time I'm not afraid anymore. Although nothing prepares you, and I sometimes wonder if I'll feel a sense of relief when she's gone knowing she's no longer suffering.  

Whether it's today, tomorrow or next week, CANCER didn't get the best of our mother and friend.

 WE DID!  Every single day, that she was in our lives, loving us, fighting for us and living for us. Because when her time comes where she's going, the good days will always outweigh the bad ones, Always.

Our mother. Our Shira. Our Hero.

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Torn~

Wednesday

October 21st, 2015

Just an update on my mom.

Wish I could say the esphogeal & colonic stents placed in August had helped but they truly haven't.

Vomitting has become my mom's new norm and although she's on tpn 12 hours of everyday, she's constantly hungry.

For a while she was chewing and spitting but the novelty has worn off for her. 

The palliative nurse suggested pleasure eating anything she wants whenever she wants with the understanding that although she'll probably throw up immediately after, she try to enjoy it while it's going down.

Since her month stay in the hospital

She's only done 2 rounds of Paxol as her 2nd line chemo but her cancer is still growing and seems to have spread to the bone. 

She wasn't able to get her 3rd round of chemo last week because unfortunately her hemoglobin was low enough where she ended up getting a blood transfusion instead. 

On another note her hair just started falling out this past weekend but amazingly enough it wasn't as drastic as we thought it would be.

Her pain has significantly increased along with the dosage of pain medication, up until now she'd been getting about 100 mg of morphine hourly through her pca today the the palliative team increased that to 120mg's an hour.

(Almost at the 3 year mark she turns and saids to me with a straight face

" Pca's are the best thing ever, why didn't You get me one of these thingy's sooner.)"

After reviewing her ct scans from this past Friday her palliative doctor doesn't think she'll make it to Christmas and wants me to talk to her about stopping chemo and calling in hospice. I feel torn. Is it premature? 

When I kind of skimmed the subject with her today she said she'd like to do a few more rounds since she's only done 2 so far before she decides.

Which essentially means 6 more chemos.

I know she looks to me for guidance in making these life decisions. 

I just feel like if I tell her it's time to call in home hospice she'll feel like I'm giving up on her.

As part of going hospice I'd have to stop her nightly feedings and just the idea of stopping tpn and essentially watching my mom starve to death breaks my heart.

 The logical part of me saids it's time, but my heart saids I'm not ready to not be able to feel her hugs, hear her laugh or see her smile again...

Then again will I ever be?

The Rant~

August 14, 2015

Friday

1:00am

Cindy:

Here's my rant....

We've been here in the hospital almost 2 weeks and here I sit counting the hours until they attempt to put a stent in my mom's esophagus anytime between 8 & 3 like she's having cable installed.

Hoping they're able to get it in and give her some comfort for whatever time she has left.

It's funny the things we take for granted like eating without regurgitating.

My mom woke up yesterday and said she was dreaming she was eating a big juicy steak and baked potato and all I could offer her in its place was red jello and chicken broth with fingers crossed she didn't throw it up right away.

More ironic was that the doctors were totally ready to release her Sunday even though she couldn't stop throwing up, after much insistence on our part they finally took her down for an endoscopy. 

It turns out they discovered a mass engulfing her esophagus so they're going in again to try to place another stent this time in her esophagus.

I want to say I'm not angry but I would be LYING!

From not getting a correct diagnosis, or pain managed to being denied food for 3 days while they tried to figure out what to do next not realizing they still had her Npo.

It takes a certain degree of patience to be a warrior, first you have to be 

Prepared to answer the same stupid questions 100 times, first to one attending doctor and then to 99 students.

Then await the 4 different teams that will come in throughout the day and give you completely different stories & scenarios and look at you like your an animal at the petting zoo.

And most of all Prepare to Wait!!!!

Wait for pain medicine, ice water, an enema so you can go to the bathroom, wait to eat, to get your pic line covered so you can take a shower and feel human, prepare to be at the mercy of anyone in a uniform.

If your the warrior's caregiver prepare yourself to almost be given an enema or mistakingly have your blood drawn in the middle of the night when your warrior decides you should take the hospital bed because their more comfortable in the window bed.😳

Prepare yourself for the nurses that never stop talking and laughing all night long. And are bothered when you call them for pain or nausea medicine because your interrupting their yapping and laughing that woke your loved one from the first good sleep she's had all week reminding her of her pain.

Not to mention seeing a (cna/patient care tech) in this place is like seeing a unicorn... unheard of.

Good luck getting something decent to eat from the 24 hr cafeteria on the 2nd floor where no one cooks after 9 and you can't find a cashier to save your life.

Prepare yourself to deal with a staff that wants to be in and out and on to the next patient and then prepare yourself for the exhuberant bill.

Some days I think the only way you can tolerate this place is if your going straight to the morgue. Enough said, in my mother's words "the food's probably better down there, see ya there!" 

Having said all of that there are still great doctors and nurses that have made this stay bearable, being kind beyond words and staying those extra few minutes to make sure we understand everything that's going on while giving us hope that even in these scary times everything may turn out ok.

The obstruction~

August 5th

Wednesday~

2:41PM

Her cancer has been progressing fairly quickly and although it hasn't hit any of her major organs yet she has been hospitalized for a bowel obstruction due to a mass pushing on her colon. The doctors have let us know we basically have 2 options. Have surgery that could possibly kill her or let her go home and die. 

She chose to go ahead and have the surgery today.

They'll start with trying to put in a stent but if it doesn't work the surgeons will come In and do what they need to do to get rid of the bowel obstruction.  

8pm

Well guys my mom came out of surgery about an hour ago groggy and vomitting but thankfully and by the grace of God the doctors were able to get two stents in place. We're very excited that she didn't have to undergo major surgery and for the first time in 3 years she was able to have a bowel moment on her own. So very thankful for all the good thoughts and prayers and hope in the days ahead all of our good days always outweigh the bad once. Xoxoxo's to all

Stomach cancer warriors everywhere.

August 6, 2015

Thursday~

12:05am

So it's been a few hours since my mom's been back from her stent placement and aside from sleeping and having zero appetite, she's also vomiting all of her by mouth medications. 

Doctor ordered an  X-ray about an hour ago and said it came back unconcerning but since she's still vomiting have decided to take another X-ray standing up. For the most part she seems to be comfortable pain wise due to the continuous Dilaudid she's receiving via the PCA and is sleeping pretty soundly now.

Admitted~

August 3, 2015

Monday

This morning our mom was admitted into the hospital because she hasn't stopped throwing everything she puts in her mouth from food to liquid up and lost over 10lbs In the past two weeks.

Her ct showed more thickness in the lining of her stomach then on her last ct and possible extensions of her tumor. They plan on keeping her long enough to get her comfortable and figure out what's going on, just hoping for some answers and solutions......

The only upside is the view from her hospital room so far.

2 months later~

July 17th, 2015

Friday~

Cindy:

It's been 2 long months since my last post and a lot has happened....

As of our mother's last ct her cancer has been slowly progressing. She no know longer eats the way she used to and the little she does eat tends to come up within seconds of swallowing. 

Seriously wondering if she's a good candidate for esphogeal dilalation? 

She's still on 5fu every other Monday for a 46 hr continuous infusion and I'm still giving her daily hydration at home. 

 

Because of my work schedule I've had to release the reigns on my mother's care a bit and allow others to help and have hired a full-time caregiver to help.  

At her last chemo appointment she spoke to the nurse practitioner regarding her concerns regarding her constant vomitting, the nurse practitioner said she would consult with the doctor to try to find a solution and go over it at her next chemo appointment this coming Monday.

Although she's always tired she still tries to get outside with the kids if even just for a little while everyday.

July 20th, 2015

Monday~

So mom had chemo today but didn't get an opportunity to speak to the doctor. Instead was told by the nurse that the doctor would like her to have a ct before her next chemo appt in 2 weeks. Scheduled it for this upcoming friday, hoping for some positive news.

July 22, 2015

Wednesday~

Today for the first time in a long time, after mom had thrown up for the 12th time in a row after taking medication or attempting to have a small bite to eat. She told me she's tired of living this way and wishes it would all just come to an end already.  As I sat there quietly I couldn't think of one thing to say to make her feel better that I haven't said a million times before. She's right this does suck and I can't begin to imagine what it's like to be her. I Just wish there was something I could do to turn it all around for her, just one thing, anything...

Rough few weeks~

May 5, 2015

6:43pm

Past few weeks have been pretty rough for mom. Ever since her dental surgery where they removed all of her teeth due to a gum infection she's had a hard time getting used to her dentures and the nasty gag reflex that comes along with wearing them.

Even when there not in she seems not to be able to hold anything down. 

I'm unsure if it's the cancer growing or it's a culmination of the two. 

Getting ready to see the oncologist this Monday to see where we go from here chemo wise, while hoping resuming chemo if not a different chemo now that her mouth has healed a bit will help with whatever it is that's going on.

For now her pain is still pretty well managed it's her nausea and vomiting so often that has her feeling pretty miserable and exhausted these days.

Thank god for hydration at home or she'd probably be in the hospital every other day getting poked and prodded.

May 13, 2015

Mom finally had chemo this Monday after a long break and spoke to her Nurse practitioner about getting it every 2 weeks instead of every 3. She's lost about 10lbs due to all of the vomiting and the inability to hold anything down including her medications.

 I get the impression that her doctors are also worried that her tumor may be growing so they've ordered a ct of her abdomen, pelvis and chest for this coming Friday. Fingers crossed for unremarkable findings.

May 15, 2015

Waiting on Ct...

Hoping for unremarkable...

March 20, 2015

Friday

2:54 am

In 7 more days it will be 27 months since mom's diagnosis. Sitting here in the hospital watching her sleep after 2 days of nonstop vomiting and experiencing back to back episodes of newly diagnosed vertigo.

For the first time in months I'm worried about what happens next.

She was scheduled to have a chest, pelvic and abdominal ct this morning but they've decided to give her a full body scan to rule out any further metastasis.

We'll see what happens....

March 23, 2015

Monday

9:45pm

Mom was scheduled to have chemo today, but it was cancelled after her doctor reviewed her ct scan. 

Between her newly diagnosed vertigo, upcoming major dental surgery and what the doctor calls a mild progression of disease all chemo has been stopped until the middle of May. 

The truth is I've known since Friday when I read the ct report and have felt numb ever since but just couldn't bring myself to tell her. 

As she told me the results and saw the expression on my face she quickly said, "I didn't even have to tell you did I? You already knew.

In the past few months I've found myself enjoying things I hadn't for a long time and decided to let go of the reigns a bit and let others help me with her. 

My brother took over taking her to chemo. While I started making time for myself more, going out with friends & mom or my husband.  Now I'm feeling I somehow took for granted the past 6 months and the fact that's she's been doing so well, like she would be here forever.

My heart hurts and I want to cry, but I'm all cried out.

I wonder how much time we have left?

I wonder if the next 8 weeks without chemo will accelerate this progression?

 I want to say I'm ready for whatever may come next but I'm afraid I'll never be....

25 Months Tomorrow ~

Monday, January 26th 2015

How far we've come...

Tomorrow it'll be 25 months since diagnosis and aside from fatigue mom's health seems to be doing fine.

Knock on wood, and thank god the past 4 months have been completely uneventful.

We haven't had to visit an emergency room in almost 6 months and her pain & anxiety have been well under control along with her weight that has remained constant @ the 145lb mark.

 After deciding to take a 9 week chemo break she finally resumed her 

~46 hr 5fu every 3 weeks infusions~ 

2 weeks ago and has been feeling even more exhausted and fatigued then usual.

 I don't know whether it was the mushroom additives/alternative medicine mom took religiously at the beginning or possibly the healing properties of breast milk after I had Ellie that mom consumed by the gallons. While Ellie looked on in disbelief probably thinking " Hey that's mine, momma!"

But as we sat around the dinner table laughing tonight thinking about all the crazy unorthodox things mom has put herself through and contemplated doing these past 2 years.

I felt utterly blessed to have had all this time with mom we never thought we'd get, regardless of how and pray for many more days ahead of us, while always hoping the good ones always outweigh the bad ones.

Feeling Blessed~

November 6th, 2014

Thursday

It's been about 2 months since my last entry and a month till my mom's 2 yr anniversary since diagnosis, and I'm feeling very optimistic.☺️

Although her appetite isn't what it should be, her weight has remained steady the past few months at the 130 ish mark.

She's been having some pain in her feet but has been able to keep it under control with pain meds and the old wives tale of putting soap bars in her socks.

Chemo #36~Ct results~

On the 27th of this month it'll be 21 months since my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 inoperable stomach cancer with mets to the peritoneal cavity and given only 3-6 months to live.

Yesterday morning felt like every other time that we've met with her oncologist to discuss the results from her ct scan.

The whole drive to the hospital I couldn't help but feel worried whether or not today would be the day we wouldn't get good news. 

It's hard to imagine her not here, when she's laughing, joking, cooking, doing laundry, acting goofy and dancing in the car even while wearing her chemo bag, it's almost like she's not even sick.

So after running an hour behind to get chemo #36 and results from the ct she has done every 4 months, 

Here it is...

Without ever having her stomach removed and only getting infusions of 5fu & leucovorin,

Also known as "palliative chemo" for the past year, knock on wood, as of this past Friday she's still showing NED

 (No Evidence of metastatic disease) and the tumor in her stomach is unseeable, she also put on 6 fabulous pounds bringing her weight up to 135.

I never thought I could love 3 letters as much as I do, but boy do I.

Funny enough when the nurse told my mom her weight, my mom right away turned to me with a smile on her face and said "At this rate, I'll be nice and fat by spring." To which I responded " That would be nice:-) and she agreed. 

But she was thinking weight wise, and I was just thinking time wise...

So for everyone going through something today whether warrior or caregiver.

Just remember to keep swimming, swimming, swimming....

How is Love Measured?

Is it by how many times someone visits when your ill? Or how often they call? Is it by how much money they spend on you? Or by how long they mourn while your still here on earth or when your gone? 

I'm sure I've asked myself these questions thousands of times throughout my life, but more since mom received her diagnosis.

Ever since I can remember, whenever I would tell mom I loved her she would always reply " I love you more, I win." 

And it's funny how even at 38, it still always feels so good to hear her say those same 6 words.

As a mother myself now, I find myself using this very same phrase with my own children.

Last night as I cuddled with my 6 year old watching cartoons and found myself saying it, I wondered,

"Is love really measurable?"

When our mom became sick I just naturally chose to assume the role of her caregiver and advocate,

Doing my best to make sure her needs are constantly being met and asking the poignant questions..

Did she take her medication? Did she eat? Did she have a bowel movement? 

Holding her hair as she kneels over the toilet puking the only thing that had actually made it to her stomach in the past day.

On more then one occasion I've been asked, "Where do I get the strength to do this?"

The answer has been and always will be, because I love her and can't imagine a world where someone wouldn't do this for someone they love or that she's not a part of for that matter.

Since she was diagnosed 591 days ago, I've spent every day trying my best to make sure she knows how much she is truly loved, by not only my words, but my actions.

It doesn't mean I always get it right every single time, or now that she's dying we don't get into arguments anymore, because no one's perfect and I am far from a saint. 

It doesn't mean that when she's medicated and angry about this horrible disease and lashes out at those that love her the most that I don't feel like running in the opposite direction because her words cut like knives.

I'd be lying if I didn't say there have been times over the past year, I've haven't found myself feeling angry, resentful or even exhausted with the entire situation from the doctors to god to mom, when she gets set in her stubborn ways.

I think back to when my mom was first diagnosed and given three to six months to live. When all of this was brand new. 

When I hoped the choices I was making were the right ones and I stopped working for a year, slept in her room almost my entire pregnancy, and stopped leaving the house for too long in fear that while I was out doing groceries she could die. 

With that being said, it doesn't mean that my siblings, extended family or friends who can't always be here because of school, work or life, love her any less.

We're all just coping very differently, 

some choose to tackle it head on, others will avoid the whole situation completely with the hope it'll all just go away, and others just do the best they can.

I would also be lying to you if I said there aren't times where I long for, or miss my old life. The life that allowed me to enjoy simple things without sadness or guilt, knowing my mom wouldn't always be here to enjoy these same things.

 It's only in the past few months that I've begun gradually accepting that I'm only human, made of flesh and bone, forgiving and making peace with myself for feeling this way, has been my hardest struggle.

Learning there's absolutely nothing wrong with escaping reality for a little while even if that means having dinner with a friend, deciding to go back to work or going away for the weekend has been a work in progress.

Knowing that something could happen tomorrow, 6 months or even 5 years from now if we're lucky, is always a scary feeling.

Yet I've learned over the past 19 months you can never leave everything absolutely unsaid, because I think when the time comes I'll still wish I could have just one more

" I love you more, I win!

When someone you love is diagnosed with cancer your life changes in the blink of an eye without you even realizing it.

  All of a sudden what you've been oblivious too and was part of someone else's every day life  without warning becomes your own reality...

It's like you start seeing things for the very first time with a whole new appreciation for them. From billboards, tv shows,tearjerker cancer movies and donating a $1 towards cancer research, to noticing people on the train platform or in the grocery store, wearing gloves or beanies in 90 degree weather, with picc lines or chemo bags wondering if they too like your loved one have terminal cancer or if they caught it in time.

Not too long ago a friend of mine mentioned how I seemed to be taking everything so well and how strong I was. 

What I explained to her was it's not that I'm am strong, it's just I've been fortunate enough to have some time to let this all soak in. 

It took about a year of seeing a therapist on a weekly basis to get here, and slowly but surely she's  given me the tools to cope with my own feelings.

Don't get me wrong I still have my occasional meltdowns in the grocery store line, while driving to work or picking up my husband's dry cleaning.   Asking myself, "Why my family?" "Why now?" and it's definitely a work in progress everyday ...

Last month after getting chemo every 2 weeks for the past 18 months the doctor decided because mom's last scan was still showing No evidence of metastatic disease she would start getting it every 3 weeks instead of every 2.

You wonder will the week make the difference in her next ct? 

I don't know, nobody knows.  All we can do is take it one day at a time.

Yesterday after almost 3 weeks of a lot of crappy days, was finally a really good day for mom.

We spent the afternoon shopping for the kids school supplies and she stopped and sampled every food they had at Cosco twice. 

I haven't seen her eat as much as she did in quite a while so it was definitely nice to see.

 I guess the whole point I'm trying to make is..

I don't have all the answers and I don't know if it's just ok to do the best you can.

Or take time for yourself.

Or forgive yourself for feeling guilty. 

Or crying too much or not enough.

Or for being mad at the world in private or even in public.

Or for enjoying life to much or not enough

While your loved one fight's for their life, but it's what keeps me sane for my husband, for my children, for my mother.

What I do know without a shred of doubt, is that I have loved her without measure and for that I win!

Chemo #32 & CT results

June 16, 2014

Monday

So after a pretty good weekend and vowing not to think about today, today's the day.. 

Mom gets chemo # 32 & her Ct results after over 4 months since the last one. 

I'm hoping & praying for nothing but good stuff.

Please say a prayer for us and if your not religious just send some good karma our way we can always use it. Xoxo

11:00am

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what are these worth?

Best news yet;-)

Like riding a bike~

Today is Mom's first ct in almost 4 months.. 

Last one was unremarkable and still showing NED (no evidence of disease) in peritoneal cavity.

 Praying today shows the same, and the good days continue to outweigh the bad ones. It's been 18 months since she's been kicking cancer's bum and hoping for many more. 

Months ago I would have waited around the hospital all day waiting on a report as time stood still.

But not today..

Last weekend was the first time in over a year my mom had driven a car, no longer fogged down by pain medications and feeling a new clarity she hadn't felt in some time.

As we talked for hours, she told me how she had allowed fear of the unknown to dictate every move she made. 

Well, Not anymore!!! 

No more waiting on cancer to live our lives, so today we'll go home right after the test, she'll continue driving, living, enjoying our weekends, and praying that this Monday is as unremarkable as all the others have been. 

So the wait may have begun, but we won't give it a second thought or let it own us a moment longer especially while we drive home, lay in the sun or grill with family & friends this weekend:-)

The Lake house~

Cindy:

June 9, 2014

It's been almost 2 months since my last entry which hasn't been for lack of things going on, but just because there's been so much going on it seems.

With me going back to work I was worried it would be hard for everyone to adjust, but I'm happy for once to say I was wrong. 

Mom has been doing pretty good these days aside from her all day sleeping funk. Don't get me wrong there are still really bad days, but for now the good ones are completely outweighing the bad ones.

If someone had told me that this weekend we would spend it at a lake house in Akron, Ohio following these

drinking piña coladas with friends from a online support group that over the past year has become more like a family then anything and that my mom would be joking about cancer and fishing with the kids I wouldn't haven't believed it, but here we are and here she is 18 months later..

As we travel this road together I feel like along with the sadness this disease has brought it has also brought an enormous amount of joy and gratitude in the little things we used to take for granted. 

As we made the 6 hr trip in the middle of the night while the kids slept,

(perfectly planned I must add:-) Mom and I talked about everything under the sun, sang along with the radio and took turns driving as petrifying as that was, since she hasn't driven in over a year.

When we got there I gave her an Iv and she slept for a few hours but when she woke up was energized and ready to lay out In the sun and have fun. 

She loved meeting Rebecca and Robbie who came over for dinner and sat swapping crazy cancer stories and watching the sunset.  

As we made the 6hr drive back to Chicago in the rain, while the kids watched movies in the back I began telling mom how we could rent a huge house in Wisconsin in Sept for the Indian summer festival so we could all get all our family together. I didn't realize how long I'd been rambling feeling excited about the whole idea until I turned to look at her and noticed that she was crying yet smiling. I said "Mom what's wrong? Why are you crying? And she said " I just hope I feel this strong and good come September so I can make that trip. And then I started crying as the realization hit me, that she may not be. And then just like that she started laughing and said "enough of that, now pull over and let me drive, because you drive like Miss Daisy and if cancer doesn't kill me your driving surely will... 

Really mom really,
as you chug down a whole bag of sunflower seeds, who's scared now?