Pain!

Cindy:

3:34am in the morning,  I hear someone screaming in a whisper if possible, "Pain!!! Pain!!"

 I kept hearing the same words over and over again "Help me!!" followed by mom's moaning.

At first I thought I was dreaming, but for the baby monitor that vibrates when it senses motion in her room. Then I heard Connor's voice at the bottom of the stairs "Mom!! he screamed. Mama's crying she needs your help"! I quickly made my way down the stairs to her room, "Mom, are you ok?" I asked.  She said "I've never felt this way before, the pain I'm feeling is excruciating and all over,from my toes to my head, even my bones hurt and I'm so cold."  I gave her 8 mg of Dilaudid and covered her in extra throws and blankets while I sat there next to her, I rubbed her head waiting for about 35 minutes while she softly cried waiting for it to kick in.  Finally, I gave her another 4 mg because 8 just wasn't cutting it. She said "Call your sister and brother, I need to talk to them."

I tried to explain to her it was 4 in the morning but she just kept repeating for me to call the two of you. She said she didn't know if this what it felt like to be dying but if it did, she didn't want to die without saying goodbye. I tried to reassure her that she wasn't dying and that the medication would kick in soon and the pain would go away. But to be honest I wasn't sure, over the years I've seen firsthand so many people die of this miserable disease with their children,spouses,friends by their side while they moaned in pain or just never woke up from a restful drug induced sleep I don't know what to think anymore.  She kept begging God to make the pain go away and at one point asked why she was being punished? Which instantly made me think about what you had written the other day about feeling like you were being punished. I told her I didn't know why he does what he does but to have faith and soon her pain would go away. I tried distracting her by calling you, sorry about that by the way.  But sure enough it worked and after she heard your voice and hung up, within 10 minutes she was sleeping and pain free.

 But as I lay here next to her at now 5:28am in the morning, listening to her breathe I wonder to myself, 

"Why are we being punished?"

Connie: 

I was tossing and turning like usual when the phone rang. i saw the time and panic set in you said mom was in excrutiating pain and wanted to talk to me. She came on the line, chanting my name. She said she loved me over and over while she sobbed.i tried to think of something to say other than  I love you too but nothing came out. You got back on the line and told me To go to sleep. That she was winding down and youd keep me posted. We hung up and i stayed awake until my tears won sleep. My last thought was life sucks.....