Monday, March 23, 2015

Hoping for unremarkable...

March 20, 2015
2:54 am

In 7 more days it will be 27 months since mom's diagnosis. Sitting here in the hospital watching her sleep after 2 days of nonstop vomiting and experiencing back to back episodes of newly diagnosed vertigo.
For the first time in months I'm worried about what happens next.

She was scheduled to have a chest, pelvic and abdominal ct this morning but they've decided to give her a full body scan to rule out any further metastasis.
We'll see what happens....

March 23, 2015

Mom was scheduled to have chemo today, but it was cancelled after her doctor reviewed her ct scan. 
Between her newly diagnosed vertigo, upcoming major dental surgery and what the doctor calls a mild progression of disease all chemo has been stopped until the middle of May. 

The truth is I've known since Friday when I read the ct report and have felt numb ever since but just couldn't bring myself to tell her. 
As she told me the results and saw the expression on my face she quickly said, "I didn't even have to tell you did I? You already knew.

In the past few months I've found myself enjoying things I hadn't for a long time and decided to let go of the reigns a bit and let others help me with her. 
My brother took over taking her to chemo. While I started making time for myself more, going out with friends & mom or my husband.  Now I'm feeling I somehow took for granted the past 6 months and the fact that's she's been doing so well, like she would be here forever.

My heart hurts and I want to cry, but I'm all cried out.
I wonder how much time we have left?
I wonder if the next 8 weeks without chemo will accelerate this progression?
 I want to say I'm ready for whatever may come next but I'm afraid I'll never be....