Wash,Rinse,Repeat...

Cindy:

I was taking a 10 minute shower between the baby napping and mom's visit from the nurse and found myself reading the directions on the back of the shampoo bottle and laughed. I thought to myself who needs directions to shampoo their hair? In that brief second I realized how these three simple words

Wash,Rinse,Repeat have become my life.

Although it's been well over a year since mom started getting sick,the past few weeks I've been feeling somewhat trapped in these 3 steps...

Sometimes forgetting that along with being our mother's daughter, I am also someone's wife, mother, sister,friend. 

I had been feeling sorry for myself, feeling that life's turned all about numbers for me..

17 months since the symptoms began

8 months since she was diagnosed and given 3-6 months to live

9 months I spent sleeping in her room

5 months since I stopped sleeping in her room and began feeling guilty about it.

4-5 hrs of restless sleep I get every night,
1 hr therapy once a week

Chemo every 2 weeks for 46 hrs

10 lbs lost 

8 lbs gained

$2000 for genetics testing

33.3% chance results could be inconclusive,

If positive 80% chance we also carry the gene.

If we carry the gene 50% chance we could also get stomach cancer.

21 days for results

8 weeks till next catscan, 

1 day till chemo,

Followed by 3 meals,3 snacks,

344 calorie benecalorie + 380 calorie boost plus =724 x 3 if she can hold them down= Success for the day:-)

18 pills

23 minute drive to and from the hospital, 5 hr chemo $11 parking, 60-90 min massage once a week,1 bag of hydration every 8 hrs, feeding the baby 6~8oz bottles of formula every 2-3 hrs, 10 diaper changes,59 minutes to wash laundry, 42 to minutes to dry,30 minutes to fold,7 days till next grocery delivery,14 till next water delivery, 1 day since last bm, 1 till next bowel regimen, 9 days till next survivor date, Then before I know it the months over and the countdown starts all over again. Hence Wash,Rinse,Repeat...

Although sometimes I complain to you how depressed and tired I feel and how sometimes I feel I'm living Groundhog Day over and over again and on those days would like to fill up the tank and drive until there's no road left.  I just want you to know that I still thank god for every minute of everyday that I have mom, my husband,the kids and you.  

Because believe it or not without all of you in my life, my days would be empty,without purpose and numbers would be oh so insignificant to me.