January 12th, 2013
As I sat here tonight I felt lonelier then I've felt in a while. Sad, Imagining my life without ever hearing your voice, seeing your smile, hearing the crackling sound of a fire starting and inhaling the smell of wood burning as we all sit around the picnic table joking at dusk during our Sunday barbecues from summer to fall.
Remembering all of the talks we've had over the years, looking at the couch I see you there laughing and smiling, then I close my eyes and try to imagine you gone from my life and the pain that swells my heart at even the thought of it, completely overwhelms me.....
Today started off like any other day, crazy..
In my mind I'd already started to do a mental inventory of what had happened in the past week without me even leaving the house.
While doing that the carpenter shows up, now your probably thinking everything sounds normal so far right?
Yeah, not so much. In the past week the radiator blew on the minivan and had to have it replaced, the upstairs shower sprang a leak so it was raining in the kitchen, and with it being so cold last week we had squirrels take up permanent residency in the crawl space above mom's room.
So like any "normal person" would do, mom had our brother pick up alka seltzer and throw It up there. When I asked her what exactly that was supposed to do. Her I shit you not answer, and she said it with a completely serious face was "So the squirrels explode!!" Huh???
Now in my mind I'm thinking in actuality what's going to happen is the squirrels are going to eat the alka seltzer, run out of here foaming at the mouth and with as little as goes on in this little town by 5 o'clock it'll be on the evening news "Rabid Squirrels on the loose". Story at 10.
As I write this I can't stop laughing just thinking about it. So anyways, the carpenter comes into the house and mentions to me he forgot his radio, but at this point I'm not really paying to much attention because I'm making the kids breakfast, sending mom her pills with Vic, while giving Connor cough medicine and trying to explain to Noah that although the word ass means donkey we don't use that word in everyday life when referring to donkey's.
When Connor asks me for a broom I really don't think anything of it. Next thing I know the carpenters hanging 1/2 way out of the crawlspace making a racket with the broom while singing at the top of his lungs for about a good 5 minutes. When he finally comes down from waking the dead, he explains he was trying to make sure the squirrel got out before he patched up the hole.
When I asked him "So what happens if the squirrel's still in there after you patch the hole? His answer, wait for it, "He'll die." No shit Sherlock.
In the meanwhile I convince mom to get up for a while and come to the living room so I can set up her hydration. As I'm grabbing everything, I bump into his ladder leading to the crawl space door, that he oh so conveniently left wide open and his black gloves fall on me, which I in turn think is the alka seltzer eating squirrel and almost have a heart attack, but at least mom got a good laugh out of it.
So as mom walks from one room to another catching everything in her way with the Iv pole behind her, she gets it caught on the light fixture and almost brings the whole thing down with her. Luckily the carpenter was still around to fix it..
Funny was when the carpenter asked how this happened, mom who was super high by this time sitting on the couch eating brownies with her eyes closed told him "the squirrel did it while trying to get to the pizza". Huh??
The carpenter puzzled, looked at me while I tried to explain to him not to mind mom to much because she'd just taken her marijuana pills. Needless to say I don't think he'll be coming back around anytime soon. :-)
Yet all in all today turned out to be a better day then yesterday. Mom ate what seemed like all day. And after her 2nd dose of Marinol she ate like nobody's business, everything from soup to tuna, to at least half a dozen oatmeal raisin cookies and oohey gooey brownies I made.
After a while, when she finally got tired of eating, she headed back to her room and went to sleep and has been sleeping ever since.
I feel the way you do when you first have a baby and check In on him every 15 minutes to make sure he's still alive. I've found myself in her room several times tonight almost tempted to pinch her awake. Which makes me can't help but wonder, "How someone can possibly sleep this much?" And then in my head hear her answer, "I'm just so tired".
With that being said, I've decided not to push her to see the gastric surgeon a friend had recommended a few months back known for his forward thinking when it comes to stage 4 gastric surgery and just enjoy the time we have as crazy as it may be, because in the end what may be other people's crazy is just our every day normal and we're ok with that..