So I got a promotion at work that I probably shouldn't have taken. I chose to take it because I didn't want to regret passing it up. I feel like there is so much I regret already, I don't want to regret more. So I took it. The job is a 45 minute commute and a highly visible role. I start in less than a week on the 25th.The day after my birthday.
I'm turning 26 years old. Where am I in life? I don't own a car, I don't own a house, I have mounds of debt, no kids, no wedding in the works, no social life, I don't have a rockin body and certainly don't lead the life of what I imagine most 26 year olds have. I spend my days off watching Netflix to numb and escape my reality and then feel guilty about avoiding my family. I go to work and I put on such a great show for my fellow coworkers who do not know about my personal life. To them I probably seem like such a happy 26 year old. I feel like a phony. I laugh out loud at work and come home to ball my eyes out.
Next week I'm going back to grad school after having taken a 9 month hiatus after learning about moms cancer. I am so scared of juggling so much and moms condition becoming increasingly critical. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to fall apart. Like there is a countdown looming over every decision I make.
I find myself constantly wondering where i'll be when she dies. Will I be in midterms? Will I be being reviewed at work? Will she make it to see my bday? Connor's bday? Cindy's favorite holiday,thanksgiving? Or mine,christmas? And if she does, what condition will she be in? Will she be too drugged to know I'm there? Will she still be mobile? What will her worst look like? Because I remember grandma in home hospice. I remember you feeding her baby food. I remember Gloria Estefan's cd playing on repeat for a week before she died. I remember her speech left her before her breath did. She was bed ridden and not responding to us. Watching mom deteriorate physically and mentally makes me feel like I'm being punished. Some people say its good I have a chance to say goodbye, maybe that's the positive spin on cancer I should take, but I'm not sure I'm getting a chance to say goodbye to the mom I grew up with. I'm afraid im dying with her, I don't feel like I'm really living.
Cindy:
Connie,
Your one of the most beautiful, kindest generous, independent and responsible people I've ever known and I'm not just saying that because your my sister.
It's interesting to me that when you look in the mirror this is what you see.
Because when I look at you I see a determined young woman who studied her butt off, was an honor roll student all through high school and was working part-time at a dry cleaners so you could buy your own prom dress. All the while all your friends were being picked up by drivers and shopping on Michigan Ave. I see a girl who went to an Ivy-league college on a 4 year academic scholarship. Working 2 full-time jobs to pay off her car, apartment and pay all of her own bills without being a burden on mom and dad. I see someone who speaks 3 languages fluently, finds time to cook mom her favorite meals, while juggling a 70 hr work week, getting her Masters, and in a loving relationship with an amazing person who loves you. Still making time in her busy schedule to be the coolest aunt ever and take my kids to Key-lime Cove for the weekend even when your exhausted from a long day at work. As for your debt, think of it this way if it weren't for you, mom's dream of owning her own restaurant would never have become a reality. Your right though,this isn't fair. She got dealt a crappy hand, but knowing mom as well as I do, I don't see her folding without a fight anytime soon. You can always look at it this way, we're all here on borrowed time and when the time comes and we no longer have her here physically you'll still have me by your side to help you get through it. Love you more then life:-) I win!!!
This is who I see, every time I look at you...
A leader,world traveler, free spirit,nurturer,my sister & best friend. Because even though nothing changes, nothing will ever be the same again..
No comments:
Post a Comment