How do I get through to her?

February 15, 2014

Saturday 

Tonight as I was disconnecting mom's Iv she informed me that she'd like to take back her life.

 She'd like to stop depending on me for everything and live whatever's left of her life on her own terms...

She saids she's decided to stop chemo and all of the medications that keep her pain free (coincidently right after I gave her all of those medications.)

She said she just wants to live however many days she has left, doing what she enjoys.  

What can I say? 

I love her, but right now I'm so damn mad at her, I can't even see straight.

Of course, ultimately all of the decisions are hers to make, but I can't help but feeling cheated somehow.

How can she give up when the chemo's still working?

I'm hoping this is just one of her chemo brain rants like the whole ebay thing and tomorrow she'll realize there's still some fight left in her. 

If you happen to read this tonight don't call, give her some time to really think about it and sleep on it.

I'm going to try to go to bed now and when I wake up, pray and hope this too has passed.....

February 16, 2014

Sunday

So woke up this morning and made breakfast for everyone. Took mom her usual coffee and toast along with her medication and Iv fluids but she completely refused everything.

Noah, Vicky & Connor with tears in their eyes asked her to take her medicine and she said "No, this way I won't be like a zombie and we can do things and have fun."

Kids are sad and looking to me to make everything better and I'm feeling completely powerless, unsure of what to do next.

They want to know why I can't just make her take the medicine or eat her food like I do to them. I've tried explaining to them she's a grown up, but how do I respond to my 5 year old when he asks "Why isn't she acting like one"? 

Tomorrow's chemo day and right now it seems she's pretty adamant she won't be going. 

I know your working right now, so I'm calling Dennis to see if he can talk some sense into her...