3:30pm
Mom was finally let out today since she was able to get through yesterday without throwing up once.
She went in weighing 115lbs and came out weighing 105 lbs which means we have some serious work ahead of us especially since all dairy, wheat,fiber, raw vegetables and fruits are out.
Things have been a little rough the past few days between mom and I when it comes to our roles, putting us both on edge.
There is definetly a thin line between caregiver and patient and mother and daughter. From a caregiver's point of view I feel I know best, but from a daughter's point of view I feel guilty at times when I take my mother's autonomy away.
Although I know I do it for her own good, it shouldn't have to be this way. I don't like having to take the car keys away from her and telling her she can't drive because she's had too much pain medication, but I do. Or that she can't smoke in bed because she's constantly dozing off and could burn down the house, but I do that too. This past week has weighed so heavy on my heart. Being back on my old floor for the first time in almost a year on the other side of the call light was very strange.
I found myself scrutinizing every move everyone made from the nurses to the doctors, and wondering if all the decisions being made were in the best interest of our mother. Wondering if after she dies I could ever want to go back to working in oncology or even a hospital setting at all. Watching her hallucinate become defiant and just mean at times.
I wondered if this is what it's going to be like in the end for us. I felt sad, but also angry that something so insignificant like losing my wallet today, could let all these emotions come rushing out. Without thinking in a moment of frustration, I asked myself out loud in front of mom "If there's really a god, why do these things keep happening?" Why does mom have to suffer every single day with this miserable cancer. Why can't life just go back to the way it was B.C.( before cancer)?
Of course we know there are 7 stages of grief and I've been through all of them at least a couple times this week. There are just days I wish we could have a do over just this once. Been slightly pushier and convinced her to have gone to the doctor more often. Convinced her to have her stomach removed even though she kept testing negative for cancer. I'd like to forget things she has said that have cut us like a knife while under so much medication and delusional from sleep deprivation and malnutrition. Things that we may have thought to ourselves or responded back out of anger, because are skin is only so thick. I can't pretend to begin to imagine what it's like to be a warrior like my mother, living every single day feeling mentally & physically fatigued and knowing your going to die. However as a caregiver it is physically as well as mentally exhausting watching someone you've loved your entire life, turning into someone else, and slowly seeing their energy & life, drained right before your eyes.
It's hard to believe this was only a few months ago, but it just goes to show how everything can change from one day to the next.....
Http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4OTP0j8Ils
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