Home at Last~

Sunday~November 29th, 2015

10:12pm

On Wednesday, November 25th at 11:44pm 

Our mother took her last breath after almost 3 years of relentlessly fighting cancer, which she did to the very end.

The day she passed she spoke to everyone who meant anything to her and said her goodbyes and "I love you's" like she knew that night would be her last.

She had spent the past 3 years making amends, finding closure, writing letters and making videos even when she felt horrible just to make sure when she was  was gone we'd all be ok.

She spent the day she passed surrounded by loved ones, while we played some of her favorite music, kissed and hugged her.

As we watched her take her last breath that night, and the glimmer of light leave her eyes.

We also saw something we hadn't seen in years, a face that was free of pain.

And although our hearts and faith may be  broken right now, I know with time they'll mend.

Our mother had the power to light up a room by just walking into it, her charismatic nature was envied by most and when she lived, she lived and when she loved, she loved.

She left this earth leaving a footprint on our hearts no one could ever fill the way she did.

Blessed to have been able call her our mother, best friend & Shira.

Love you more then life, we win.

Hospice~

Monday~

November 23, 2015

What I never thought we'd do we did today...

We Admitted our mom into a hospice facility, her pain had become so unbearable and we called hospice so many times overnight to increase her pain medicine which was already at 500mg of morphine an hour that they said the only way to get it under control was to admit her.

When we got here She said no more tpn, just let me go. 

My heart is breaking in a million pieces....

Here comes Hospice....

Saturday~ November 21,2015

10:00am

This morning after 3 days of being in bed and non-stop vomiting my mom decided she's ready for hospice. 

Calling hospice, telling my children and calling family members to let them know were some of the most difficult conversations I've had in a long time.

Waiting for them to come and answer everyone's questions have made the minutes feel like hours...

Just praying for a smooth transition now:-(

8:30pm

At around 5pm my brother, sister, mother and I sat down with the hospice nurse to talk about what to expect, ordered all of the things she may need in the coming days oxygen, diapers, suctioning and so forth.

Just glad everyone one was here so I didn't have to repeat the same conversation to each of them.

They increased her pain medicine and added haldol drops to the mix to help with the vomitting. Knowing that there will be someone to call 24 hours a day if I have a question is such a relief. Knowing that they'll come out within an hour of calling if she needs anything at 

All is priceless to me.

Full Circle~

Thursday~November 19th, 2015

10:00am

Only 38 more days until my mom makes 3 years since being diagnosed with Stage 4 Stomach cancer with mets to the peritoneal cavity.

We never thought we'd be blessed with the gift of time but we have been.

Although the doctor's no longer believe the chemo is working and don't think she'll make it to Christmas our mom is determined to not give up hope and keeps trekking on while getting chemo every Monday until they make her stop.

According to her, side effects have been minimal with this new Paxol regimen besides losing her hair of course.

I've lost track as to how long it's been since she said she felt hungry or I've seen her eat because the tpn w/ vitamins I give her nightly have replaced the want or need for food.

But even though she's been receiving about 1800 calorie daily she continues to steadily lose about 3lbs a week and is about 107 lbs as we stand today.

Her vomitting has worsened and is a constant pain in the throat since the cancer spread to her esophagus yet we rarely ever hear her complain

Her pain is for now at a zero, being controlled by her handy dandy pca that delivers 225 mg of morphine per hour.

It's a catch 22... she's sleeping more but not in any pain.

This morning as I laid next to her In bed watching her fight off a fever, chills and vomitting I realize It's almost as though we've come full circle to the beginning when I never left her side when we worried if today was the day.

But the reason I'm writing this today is because for the first time in a long time I'm not afraid anymore. Although nothing prepares you, and I sometimes wonder if I'll feel a sense of relief when she's gone knowing she's no longer suffering.  

Whether it's today, tomorrow or next week, CANCER didn't get the best of our mother and friend.

 WE DID!  Every single day, that she was in our lives, loving us, fighting for us and living for us. Because when her time comes where she's going, the good days will always outweigh the bad ones, Always.

Our mother. Our Shira. Our Hero.

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