Biopsy Results~

February 28th, 2014


Cindy:

One long and stressful week later, my biopsy results finally came in...

Negative for cancer:-)

Wing~Dinging it all the way home...

February 20, 2014

Friday

Cindy:

Today I went back to the doctor for another endoscopy/colonoscopy.

And you'll never guess who came with me and waited the whole time and even drove me home? 

If you guessed mom, ding,ding,ding you'd be right and get a Mickey Mouse.

Now I'm not going to lie and say that mom's driving didn't have me more afraid then the procedure itself, because dude it totally did, and she sure did wing-ding it all the way home. 

As mom drove me to the hospital today I was trying to remember the story of how we came up with that word wing~dinging it. 

Right before they put me under twilight sedation which might I add was one of the best naps I've had in quite a while. 

I had the most random thought "note to self, ask Connie if mom's the reason we came up with it, wing~dinging that is. 

I am going to say though, it was pretty nice to wake up and be on the other end for once with mom smiling at me, saying everything would be just fine.

So the million dollar question what did they find? 

Well, he found several more growths in my stomach and one in my esophagus this time around. He also threw in a little diverticulitis for good measure. 

Anyways he wrapped up by saying "Go home and try not to worry, it's probably nothing and "I'll call you on Tuesday". 

As I thought to myself, "Hmmm, I wonder where I've heard that before???

Anyways, me worry, never.... :-)

Conquering chemo~

So it took a lot of crying and convincing between yesterday and today, but I'm happy to say we made it to chemo #24 this afternoon...

First couple hours were rough because she had pretty bad nausea and was throwing up. But once they got it under control everything started to look better.

Weighed in a 1lb heavier then 2 weeks ago and was told by her palliative team how great she looks, which I could tell immediately made her feel more optimistic.

Brought in backup ;-) And so glad I did she was great in helping keep everything light & bright.

4 hours later, Was kind of bummed when we came out and found this...

And ended up having to drive 20 mph on the express way all the way home.

An hour and a half later we were sitting getting pedicures and massages and  trying to forget the past couple of days..

In the end we cried, we laughed, we conquered the day, And every day conquered is a good day..

How do I get through to her?

February 15, 2014

Saturday 

Tonight as I was disconnecting mom's Iv she informed me that she'd like to take back her life.

 She'd like to stop depending on me for everything and live whatever's left of her life on her own terms...

She saids she's decided to stop chemo and all of the medications that keep her pain free (coincidently right after I gave her all of those medications.)

She said she just wants to live however many days she has left, doing what she enjoys.  

What can I say? 

I love her, but right now I'm so damn mad at her, I can't even see straight.

Of course, ultimately all of the decisions are hers to make, but I can't help but feeling cheated somehow.

How can she give up when the chemo's still working?

I'm hoping this is just one of her chemo brain rants like the whole ebay thing and tomorrow she'll realize there's still some fight left in her. 

If you happen to read this tonight don't call, give her some time to really think about it and sleep on it.

I'm going to try to go to bed now and when I wake up, pray and hope this too has passed.....

February 16, 2014

Sunday

So woke up this morning and made breakfast for everyone. Took mom her usual coffee and toast along with her medication and Iv fluids but she completely refused everything.

Noah, Vicky & Connor with tears in their eyes asked her to take her medicine and she said "No, this way I won't be like a zombie and we can do things and have fun."

Kids are sad and looking to me to make everything better and I'm feeling completely powerless, unsure of what to do next.

They want to know why I can't just make her take the medicine or eat her food like I do to them. I've tried explaining to them she's a grown up, but how do I respond to my 5 year old when he asks "Why isn't she acting like one"? 

Tomorrow's chemo day and right now it seems she's pretty adamant she won't be going. 

I know your working right now, so I'm calling Dennis to see if he can talk some sense into her...

Happy Birthday Nanni!!!

February 12, 2014

Wednesday

Tonight was Nanni's 83rd Birthday and as we do for all her bdays we all went out for dinner and had a great time just being together. 

 Mom felt pretty good all day today so much so, that she ate, was able to hold down some pop and made us piña coladas when we got home. 

All In all it was a pretty awesome day!! :-)

Good Day~Great Day

February 11, 2014

Tuesday 

Today was a great day!!! 

Mom was up and about all day, walking all over the place with the baby and pillow fighting with the kids, she spent most of the night making valentines with Noah and then made popcorn and watched a movie with the boys.

She ate and drank smoothies all day long and had me order Chinese, which took an hour to get here and  less than 10 minutes to disappear.:-)

If everyday was like today, every day would be a good day.

Say Something~

Cindy:

February 6, 2014

Thursday

Waking up every morning forcing myself out of bed just trying to snap out of the monotony that has become our life.

Washing my face, brushing my teeth debating whether or not I care enough about putting on an ounce of makeup, which by the way I don't, or running to the grocery store in pajama bottoms which doesn't really phase me these days either. I put on my "got to get through today pants" and out the door I go.

As I drove to pick up Elle today Christina aguillera's song, " Say something" 

http://youtu.be/-2U0Ivkn2Ds played in the background which had me crying all the way there. 

Replaying the movie reel of the past couple of months in my head. Thank god it was only a 30 minute drive.

Elle decided to stay with us an extra day until Saturday morning so we could all go out with the kids tonight. Which is always awesome, it was way too cold so mom decided to just stay home.

February 7, 2014

Friday

Mom spent most of the day in the living room with terrible nausea and pain, refused Iv fluids today and said she just wanted to sleep.

Hoping today was just one of those days, and tomorrow's a better one.

She slept on my shoulder and I ended up ordering one of those movies that you usually hate on demand "About Time" with Rachel Mcadams which FYI was pretty good and omg, a total tearjerker!" More of a reason for you not to watch it, I guess:-(

Got me thinking though..

About the could ofs, would ofs, should ofs. Wish I could travel back in time myself these days..

February 8, 2014

Saturday

Thinking about taking mom and the kids to Canada for spring break to see her brother. We'll see what happens...

I've also decided to go back to work next month, just crossing my fingers I can make it through a shift without melting down. Don't know who's going to have the worst separation issues mom, Ellie or me....

February 9th, 2014

Sunday

Sometimes the things you don't say, leave absolutely nothing to be said....

 It's been a while since I've felt anything but an overwhelming sadness,

Yet with every day that passes, the unhappiness that overwhelms me, is replaced by something so much stronger, Surrender..

And so my mantra begins..

Blood no longer defines the meaning of family, in the end it's defined by those that are there for you and the love that you share...

Just because nothing changes, doesn't mean anything will ever be the same again. 

I will live and love today and everyday as if though it were my last, because just like everything and everyone in life, tomorrow was and has never been promised...

Think before you speak ~ Chemo 23

So today was chemo #23

February 03, 2014

Monday

1:45 pm

 Yay:-)

Mom took an hour nap between port draw and being called in for chemo.

Weighed in 3lbs less then 2 weeks ago.

So I decided to make it my mission to get some stuff to fatten her up while we waited...

I'm probably one of the only people you know who can find a way to shop in a hospital:-)

Tons of greek food & 1/2 dozen cheese Danishes later which by the the way she happily ate a few bites of..

She falls asleep again, this time while getting chemo... ( and she said's I never let her sleep :-)

When her nurse comes in to let me know that they've decided to push her next ct to March 3rd, 2014.

I didn't say anything at first, about the change but I was pretty upset and couldn't help but ask if she could just have it on the 17th to keep on her 8 week schedule as planned. The nurse explained the doctor was unavailable until the 3rd unless something else pressing comes up.

I felt like saying " Like what, cancer?"

 But Instead I said " You'll have to forgive me if I don't want to deter from our schedule, so in case something has changed we can see to it in a more timely manner. 

To which her response was "Don't worry 2 weeks really won't make too much of a difference."

 I said "For a year my mother was misdiagnosed at this hospital and everyone told us not to worry. 

Telling her she had everything from an ulcer, to it was in all in her head and now she's stage 4 and dying. 

 So you'll excuse me if your telling me  not to worry, doesn't raise my confidence in this hospital in even the slightest.

Needless to say we weren't rescheduled and are now having her catscan 10 weeks out, instead of the original 8. Ughhhhhhhh!!!!

The funniest part yet not really so funny, was when she said "even if something were too change in those 2 weeks, we know it's inevitable and coming."

I'd like to tell you that right in that moment I grabbed her by her tiny little neck and squeezed her till her condescending tiny little eyes popped out of her head, you know like in the cartoons it would look a little like this..

But I didn't...

I actually thought to myself  I think I may have liked the other nurse's story from chemo #22 better.

In case you didn't read that entry here's the recap of chemo's #22 inspirational antidote. 

Mom was getting chemo #22 while eating dinner at the same time, the young nurse who was orientating decided to sit down and chat with her.

Mind you I'm not really paying to much attention at this point because during chemo mom usually sleeps and I try to distract myself by reading.

When I hear the nurse say "God does everything for a reason and miracles do happen." Intrigued by what's to come next, I put down my book to listen. 

She begins to tell mom about a patient she had who had been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and chosen to seek out a second opinion. 

Now with " miracles happen" being the opening line, what I assumed she was going to say next was that during that second opinion he had found out he had been misdiagnosed or that he had some radical treatment that had cured him. 

You'd think right? Wrong!

Instead she asked us If we had heard around thanksgiving time of a blind woman and her husband dying in a fire. 

It turned out that the husband was her patient with the brain tumor. 

I said "I don't get it". 

She said, " All this time time he thought what was going to kill him was the brain tumor, but what actually took his life was the house fire..

I looked at mom who looked utterly confused and I cringed and waited..... 

Mom turns to her and saids "So is what your saying, not to worry to much about dying from stomach cancer because a miracle may occur where I die in a freak accident before then? 

The nurse realized her story may not have come across exactly the way she intended it too and looked kind of embarassed. 

Mom tried to put the nurse at ease and just smiled telling her not to worry too much about it because she was ready, and when it's her time it's her time. While jokingly encouraging her not to become a motivational speaker anytime soon.

When as we're leaving mom smiles and saids " I'll see you in two weeks, that is if I don't get killed in some random accident before then.

Me, I said absolutely nothing and just thought to myself maybe from now on chemo time should be quiet time, and I should just stick to reading my book....

 I really think these girls should stick to their day jobs and leave the story telling to Dr.Seuss and predicting the future to god, cause they suck!

At that moment the only thing I could find to be positive about, was the fact that mom was sleeping so deeply she didn't get to hear the stupid sh*# people say when they speak before they think..

It feels like a "No Cancer kind of day"!

Cindy:

February 1, 2014

Mom slept right through taking her meds this morning. When she finally woke up the first word's out of her month were "thanks for letting me sleep, I feel Great almost like I don't have cancer!"

I was like Awesome! 

While inwardly thinking "What are you talking about I always let you sleep, it's like narcolepticpolooza over here".:-)

I asked her if she wanted oatmeal for breakfast and right away she asked if I was crazy. Dare I ask why exactly would it be crazy to eat oatmeal for breakfast. She explained because she was having a ct on the 17th. 

I said " You do know that's 3 weeks away right?" She said "It may be 3 weeks away, but I'm still not completely convinced that what the doctors saw in my stomach and thought was cancer wasn't just the oatmeal I'd had the day prior to the procedure when they finally diagnosed me.

 "Mom, is what your saying that the doctors don't know the difference between oatmeal and tumors? And you don't really think you have cancer?"  

"No Cindyyyyyy... I haven't completely jumped on the crazy train yet.. It's just on days like these "No cancer kind of days, I like to imagine everyone's been wrong and I'm the only one right, as usual. 

Because how can I be dying, yet feel so great?"

She felt so great, she walked around the house holding the baby's hand while Ellie showed her how she's mastered the art of walking, the two of them taking a small break to sit by the window and watch the snow come down. 

Just to pick up where they left off, followed by a 30 minute pillow fight with the boys, and her making chicken soup which she ended up eating way to much of.

I'd like to tell you the feeling lasted..

She hung out with all of us until she started throwing up again this afternoon. I'm unsure if it's because she over ate today or for some other reason I refuse to think about. I ended up giving her 2 liters of saline just to make sure she stayed somewhat hydrated.

Everytime I see her throw up I can't help but cringe on the inside at how miserable it must be for her to have what feels like a never ending stomach flu. 

I just think how whenever I get the flu, and feel all clammy and miserable all I want to do is lay on the cold tile floor until the feeling passes, with the comfort of knowing that soon there will be an end in sight.

Some days she hides her frustration in all of it so well and some days it rises right up to the surface.  On those particular days, hugs and kisses are always free flowing, unlimited and showered on her from the smallest baby in the house to the biggest one. 

By 3 this morning we were finally able to get it all under control and she finally got some sleep. When she finally woke up this morning the first thing that came out of her mouth was " It feels like one of those No cancer kind of days again"....