It's been 7 months today since my mom who's only 57 was diagnosed with Stage 4 Stomach cancer (Signet ring cell type w/ mets to peritoneal cavity). Since Folfox chemo began for the most part everything had stayed pretty consistent with her but since her allergic reaction in May to the Oxaliplatin which has since been removed, this has to be one of the toughest months she's had so far. Since then she's only been receiving Leucovorin in hospital and a 46 hr of reduced 5fu infusion at home because her hand/foot syndrome got to bad to take the regular dose of 5fu. She has completely slept July away sleeping at least 20 hours a day only waking up to use the bathroom or eat a small bit. Even after waking she still feels extremely tired and most recently has constant nausea which for while there we had pretty well controlled. I feel guilty in saying this aloud, but I often ask myself these days, I know she's a fighter but should I continue to encourage her to fight? Is it more for us then for her she does it? Don't get me wrong I love my mother to no ends, but do I want
her to suffer or merely exist for us. I remember when my mother was first diagnosed right before beginning chemo taking a trip to the salon to cut her beautiful hair.
She said before the inevitable happened she would do it her way, she sat in the chair quietly, tears streaming down her cheek as the stylist began to cut her hair. I tried saying the right things like "it'll grow back or "you look so young".
What I didn't find out till months later was that she wasn't crying because she was losing her beautiful hair, which she never actually did. She was crying because of what it represented, of what all of a sudden became so real as each inch of hair hit the ground. She realized she would live everyday from here on out wondering if today was the day, her last day. Now, even though this is the only way I usually see her, I'm just glad I get to see her when she finally wakes up.
